If Not In This Life
by MiamiTrue
Summary: Bella's story after Edward is gone. A not so happily ever after.


I own nothing, only the desire to continue the story that haunts my dreams.

_We are tethered to the story we must tell…_

If Not In This Life

Prologue

"_Edward"_

Your name falls from my lips as the darkness closes in and I am no more. I feel my life slipping away, willing it to be so. _"It will be as if I never existed" _those words of yours playing through my mind. I wait for death to take me.

Chapter One

I awaken to the soft mechanical beep of some sort of machine, the lights are too bright and I am having trouble focusing on my surroundings. Blinking doesn't help, so I squeeze my eyes tightly and listen. No sounds but for the mechanical one, beep, beep, beep. Wait, there, another noise comes to my ears, a gentle snoring. With all my might I attempt to focus again, my eyes fall on Charlie asleep in an armchair next to the bed I find myself in. _"Dad", _I manage to push the word out. Charlie doesn't move, I try again, louder this time, _"Dad", _still no movement. I try to move but my body feels so heavy, like I am weighted down by a ton of bricks. I pull with all my might against the heaviness with no luck, I feel myself falling into the darkness again.

"_Bella, can you hear me Bells" _someone is calling me, pulling me from the darkness, I prefer the darkness. _"Bella, please wake up" _it's Charlie calling me. I open my eyes and see the desperate eyes of my beloved Father upon me. _"Oh, thank God", _he calls out, _"Bells, please try to stay with me" _he shouts at me. I open my eyes again and try to focus. "_Edward?" _I manage to expel from my dry mouth. The look in Charlie's eyes tell me all I need to know, I hear my screams echoing in the room. I don't see the nurse rush in to inject my IV, but thankfully the darkness claims me once again.

Voices, I hear voices, I strain to listen. No, it is too far away and I prefer the darkness. But then, _"I don't care Charlie, I can get an ambulance to take her to Jacksonville." _Renee's voice. _"You are not taking her this time, she needs time to heal", _that would be Charlie. I don't want them to fight so I move a little and hear myself moan. That was all it took, both of my parents are next to me in an instant, one with each of my hands in theirs. _"Bella, honey, can you hear me." _Renee's voice comes out wobbly. _"Mom? Dad?, where am I?"_ I hear both exhale deeply. _"Oh, honey, you are in the hospital, you had us really worried." _I see them watching me, I know better then to ask, but cannot stop the word, _"Edward?" _I feel Charlie's hand flinch in mine and see Renee sending him a warning look. Leave it to Charlie not to sugar-coat it for me. _"Gone Bells, they all are" _he says with an anger I wouldn't have guessed he had in him. I feel the tears roll done my face, but I hold back the screams, it would do me no good to scare my parents anymore then they already were. Time and place, time and place.

Chapter 2

It was three months now, three months since you left me in the forest. My heart shattered into a million pieces, with no chance that it could ever be put back together. I sit on my bed, staring out into nothingness, wishing I could slip into the darkness. No, not yet. I still had to cook dinner. Charlie would be home soon and although he knew only too well that I was an empty shell, we both pretended that I was on the mend.

My life was now a matter of routines, wake, shower, eat, school, homework, dinner, darkness. I had to give the illusion that I was healing, under the threat that I would be forced to move to Jacksonville, and I knew that even though you would never come back, I could not, would not, leave Forks. So, each and every painful day I continued the routine, my only reprieve from the day was knowing that at the end of it I would succumb to the darkness. The darkness was my only friend now.

All my other friends had slowly removed themselves from my life, and I had gladly let them go. Not wanting to hold onto anything or anyone other then my memories of you, Edward. Even Jacob, the boy I had known on and off since I was a toddler, had tried in vain to bring back me back from the darkness. He tried to make me remember what I was like before I let you take over my life. How much fun being a teenager was supposed to be. That I would get over you and would be happy again one day. It was no use, he finally could see that I had nothing left inside me. I remember the way he looked at me the last time I saw him, looking for some sign of that timid, awkward girl he remembered and so desperately had wanted to help. I watched him walk away shaking his head probably wondering how I could let myself fall so frantically in love with you. Slowly, he to retreated and left me to my pain.

I had time for one more memory, then I would need to start dinner. Which one, oh, the meadow, that was a good one.

~I see us walking hand in hand to our meadow, the grass knee-high tall and dotted with wildflowers. You pick one and gentle place it behind my left ear. Your hand lingering on my cheek, pulling my chin up to meet your lips. ~

I feel the tears roll down my face, but that does not stop me. I can actually feel your lips now, your cold ones pressing against my warm ones. I can taste your breath in my mouth, remembering the feel of your tongue on my bottom lip. "Edward", your name falls from my lips. My memories of you is all that is keeping me sane now. Memories and routines, that was all my life consists of these days.

Chapter 3

Six months now. Routine still intact. Darkness still my only friend.

I sit in my room, starring out the window, I feel restless tonight. What is it I am waiting for? That you will come back to me? I know you won't, but that doesn't stop me from holding onto some hope that maybe your need of my blood will bring you back. I would gladly give it all to you, just to see you, to touch you, to have you touch me. I will never ask you for eternity again, just one more moment with you is all I need.

Shaking my head back and forth I force my tears to stay put. What could I have done differently? I see now, and know that I knew it then too, that I am just too awkward, too plain, how could I have ever really believe you fell in love with "me"? I reason, you only needed to be close to me because of the blood that flowed through my veins. Your own personal brand of heroin, you told me that once, how I wish you were unable to break free of that addiction. I should be angry that I did not see it then, I should have known that someone like you, someone so perfect in every way, could ever love me for me. I shrug my shoulders; doesn't matter, I really don't care about the reason. Having you near me, having you pretend to love me, that was enough. I can't bring myself to imagine how my life would have been had I never met you. The pain I am suffering now is worth having been a small part of your life, no matter how fleeting that time was.

Our romance was reminiscent of the epic novels I used to read, you my Romeo, my Mr. Darcy, my one true love. I know that I will never, could never love another. It's true Edward, you may have left me shattered and broken, but my love for you is as true and strong as the day I fell in love with you. That day so clear in my mind, I let the memory come.

~You had rescued me twice by then, in some ways you were already my knight in shining armor, I was intoxicated by you. But, seeing you standing in the sunlight; your skin sparkling like diamonds, slowly understanding that you were allowing me into your secret world, that was all it took, you had my heart completely. Even as I stood there in awe of your beauty I knew that my life was forever changed. A love so complete, there would never be another on this earth for me. In time I would offer you everything, even my soul. ~

I look down at the little white pill in my hand, my only friend, the bringer of the darkness. I place the pill on my tongue and with a sip of water I feel it slide down my throat. Slowly I let myself sink back onto my bed, the bed that you used to hold me all night in. I put my arms tightly around myself, pretending the arms that hold me are yours. I caress my skin, longing for your touch, it feels too warm-my hands, I want the feel to be cold-your cold hands on my body. You were always so guarded, never letting us go further than a few kisses, a few tender caresses. You didn't want to hurt me you said, and yet, here I lay hurt beyond repair.

"_Come back to me Edward." _I whisper, wishing beyond hope that it finds your ears.

My dreams are nonexistent, the pill takes care of that. I am blissfully unaware of anything but the darkness. My only friend.

Chapter 4

It's been a year, one year to the day. I'm nineteen now, that's two years older than you. My routine is the only thing that has varied. I graduated from high school, leaving a huge void in my day. I spend it at your house. I sit in my truck each day and watch for any sign that you have returned. Every day I venture closer, daring myself to enter, to find some sign of you. As I walk around now, my soft footsteps the only sound I hear, I recall the first time you brought me here.

~You held my hand as we walked up the stairs, yours so cold in mine, but somehow still making me feel warm all over. Your family was cooking for me, I wished I hadn't eaten beforehand. You take me to your room, no bed, but full of all the things you enjoyed. More music than I thought anyone could listen to in a lifetime, but then you had a lifetime with no end in sight. You wanted me to dance with you, I just wanted to be in your arms. You take me into the heavens, higher off the ground than I have ever been, yet I am not afraid. ~

I long to find something of yours, anything I could hold onto, breath in. There is nothing, the house is empty, just like me. I nod my head, it's time to go Bella. I had a plan today, today will be a good day. I drag my hand along the wall of your bedroom on my way out, a small smile on my lips. Yes, a good day indeed. One last look over my shoulder and I retreat to my truck and drive away.

Pulling into the driveway I am happy that Charlie is not home. He has started turning up unexpectedly lately, or maybe he has been doing it all along and I just never noticed before. The way he watched me this morning at breakfast I wondered if he to realized what today was. One year, one year without you. I walk upstairs to my room and take the two envelopes from my desk and place them on my laptop. One marked "Dad", the other "Mom". I run my hands over them, feeling the strong paper under my fingers, knowing they will explain.

I grab a bottle of water on my way out the door and I head into the forest. My destination never a doubt in my mind. I am on my way to the meadow. I walk with determination, willing my feet to carry me as quickly as possible. Although I stumble a few times, I never fall, which only proves to me all the more I am doing the right thing.

I am here. I look around, yes, a big smile spreading over my face, this is without a doubt my favorite place in the world. Our place. I sit down, but not before removing the bottle from my pocket. I have my friends with me, all thirty of them. I picked them up this morning, at Fork Pharmacy. I look around at the meadow, wishing it was summer, that the wildflowers were out. No worries, I pop the top of the bottle, place the little white pill on my tongue, take a sip of the water and let it slide down my throat. One pill, one memory, that was how I planned this.

~You were so fast, your arm holding me so protectively. I watch you push the skidding van away, your eyes holding mine. Those eyes, oh, those eyes.~

Another pill, another sip of water, another memory.

~I wake and swear I see you in my room, watching me, I reach for you.~

One more pill, one more memory.

~I am slipping, you reach out and hold me up, your touch sending a ripple through my body as I have never know before.~

Another pill…

~Our first kiss, so much passion, not like teenagers, but like lovers already.~

Another, then another, and then another.

I feel my eyes getting heavy, my best friend darkness will be here soon. I am happy for the first time since you left me. The tears fall from my eyes. I know from the Sunday School classes of my youth that taking your own life is a sure fired way to be damned for eternity. I will be in purgatory. But, it will be worth it since I will be there waiting for your arrival, no matter how long that takes. I will see you again, be with you again, feel you again. I gave you one year to come back to me, and although year to you is nothing, a mere drop in the bucket of existence, it is really all that I could endure.

I lay myself back onto the grass, the empty pill bottle falling from my hand. The memories all exhausted now, I am looking forward to the new memories that we will make when I find you again.

As I fall into the darkness for the last time I let the only thing that matters, the only thing my heart will ever desire fall from my lips.

"_Edward"._


End file.
